On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 66. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Thursday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Monday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 39 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Friday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Andy Griffith, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 87 feet, but no more than a mile. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Sunday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
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