Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Take extra special care on Thursday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid the number 21 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 56 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
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