Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st August 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? On Wednesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Isaac Newton then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Tuesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th July 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Chevy Chase and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 22, the color yellow and someone who has a connection to Chuck Yeager will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Tom Hanks, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Hanging out with a Scallop on Thursday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as David Beckham, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th July 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. On Monday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Wednesday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Wednesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Wednesday. It will impress a secret admirer. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th July 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Should you wear pink on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Saturday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you see anybody this week who looks like Pablo Piccaso, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Friday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th July 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Sunday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Should you wear red on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

In a parallel universe you were born as Vincent Van Gogh. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A man connected with the number 29 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Bob Newhart. Does this matter? Only time will tell. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.