Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Tuesday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Bill Cosby driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
On Monday, the number 67 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Take extra special care on Thursday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 71, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment