If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Cleopatra will shower you with unusual gifts on Monday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black A pretty young woman connected to the number 76 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 34 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Elizabeth Taylor, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
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