Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Something about the number 64 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The number 45 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A man connected with the number 71 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
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