Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). On Tuesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like Lucille Ball, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You will bump into a Mussel on Tuesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 50 feet, but no more than a mile. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
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