Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th April 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Get out and enjoy life on Sunday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. The number 5 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Saturday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Eddie Murphy at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Dan Rather driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd April 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Fred Astaire, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. A pretty young woman connected to the number 78 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Roy Rogers then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Why will the color white be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15 April 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like John F. Kennedy, Jr. driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 74, the color black and someone who has a connection to John Travolta will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Something about the number 6 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Chuck Yeager then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. On Friday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Chuck Yeager, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th April 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Newt Gingrich, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Louis Pasteur and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A pretty young woman connected to the number 74 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Look yourself in the mirror on Wednesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 3 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

[?2004h