Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Newt Gingrich, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Louis Pasteur and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A pretty young woman connected to the number 74 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Look yourself in the mirror on Wednesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 3 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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