Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like John F. Kennedy, Jr. driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 74, the color black and someone who has a connection to John Travolta will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Something about the number 6 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Chuck Yeager then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. On Friday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Chuck Yeager, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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