Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! A man connected with the number 93 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. The number 31 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Sigourney Weaver, The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Wednesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
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