If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis driving a black car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A man connected with the number 12 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Thursday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not John Lennon, Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 19. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
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