Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th October 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Sunday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet David Beckham and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Andy Rooney driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why will the color pink be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Friday, and when connected to the number 26, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Tuesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing white. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Tuesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th October 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Saturday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Pelé in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? You are not Neil Armstrong, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. In a parallel universe you were born as Pelé. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Monday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

[?2004h