Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th October 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Charlie Brown and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A man connected with the number 74 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

You will go to an auction on Wednesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Tuesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st October 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Why will the color green be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You will bump into a Mussel on Friday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You will go to an auction on Friday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Take extra special care on Wednesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th October 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Sunday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet David Beckham and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Andy Rooney driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why will the color pink be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Friday, and when connected to the number 26, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Tuesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing white. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Tuesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th October 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Saturday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Pelé in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? You are not Neil Armstrong, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. In a parallel universe you were born as Pelé. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Monday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

[?2004h