Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Saturday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Pelé in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? You are not Neil Armstrong, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. In a parallel universe you were born as Pelé. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Monday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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