The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Why will the color green be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You will bump into a Mussel on Friday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You will go to an auction on Friday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Take extra special care on Wednesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
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