As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Tuesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Something about the number 26 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. A pretty young woman connected to the number 1 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Saturday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color white. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
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