Avoid the number 53 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Alexander Graham Bell and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 39, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Charlie Brown will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Hook up with an Octopus on Sunday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Take extra special care on Wednesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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