Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Paul McCartney. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Should you wear green on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. On Tuesday night you will dream of being Norman Rockwell. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Avoid the number 69 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A man connected with the number 28 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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