Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Tuesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Hook up with an Octopus on Friday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Hanging out with a Scallop on Tuesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. On Sunday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Saturday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Pablo Piccaso will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing white Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 23 feet, but no more than a mile. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
Posts
