Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th April 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Columbus. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Should you wear white on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

The number 97 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Friday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st April 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Try relaxing on Tuesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th April 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Bill Cosby. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th April 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Tuesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Hook up with an Octopus on Friday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Hanging out with a Scallop on Tuesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. On Sunday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Saturday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Pablo Piccaso will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing white Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 23 feet, but no more than a mile. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.