Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th July 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Get out and enjoy life on Friday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! You will go to an auction on Wednesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. A pretty young woman connected to the number 29 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Thursday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. A green car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing pink. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st July 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th July 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A orange car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Friday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th July 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Michael Jackson. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Thomas Jefferson will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing white You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The number 14 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.