The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You have dandruff, do something about it!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
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