You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Saturday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Friday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Columbus, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
The number 27 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 38 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. A man connected with the number 39 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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