Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Should you wear pink on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Thursday night get-together.
The Slug July 26th
There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Hanging out with a Scallop on Wednesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Saturday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like William F. Buckley, Jr.. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Herman Cain will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing white You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
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