Sunday, November 2, 2008

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd November

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. This is certainly a week where if you see a slug, then you should given them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A man connected with the number 14 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Get out and enjoy life on Monday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You might know of a slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug
July 26th

You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of clams. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'sell. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

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