Sunday, November 16, 2008

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th November

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Meet up with an oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Hook up with an octopus on Monday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record will be rejected. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Go easy on the chili sauce this weak.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 18 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw is the time to try. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'sell. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

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