December 2nd - February 19th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A man connected with the number 27 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Michele Pfeiffer, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Dan Rather will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing orange If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug
July 26th
There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Why do people infuriate you so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Saturday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Jesse Jackson. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
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