Sunday, January 10, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th January 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

In a parallel universe you were born as William F. Buckley, Jr.. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 55 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. On Wednesday, the color purple, the number 81 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug
July 26th

Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

The number 89 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Wednesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A man connected with the number 14 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Avoid the number 75 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a long as I pass out the other end". The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Hold a dinner party on Wednesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Saturday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Julia Roberts in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

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