Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th June 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. The number 13 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 29, the color black and someone who has a connection to Elizabeth Taylor will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Friday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd June 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Saturday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Saturday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. When you and a Limpet get together on Sunday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th June 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like John F. Kennedy, Jr. driving a purple car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Wednesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Paul McCartney, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. You are not Bob Newhart, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Avoid the number 76 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Saturday this week. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th June 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Michael J. Fox, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.