Sunday, January 1, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd January 2012

Featuring bonus 'fast-n-eZee' 2012 predictions!

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

2012 predictions: more hair, fewer teeth

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

2012 predictions: faster car, slower legs

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

2012 predictions: agony in France, ecstasy in Luxembourg

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
On Friday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

2012 predictions: improved sensitivity to low-frequency sounds, reduced sensitivity to high-frequency sounds

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. On Friday, the color yellow, the number 31 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

2012 predictions: muscle gain, possible limb loss

The Slug July 26th
Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. On Monday, the number 73 will signify bad news...but any odd number might also signify bad news. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

2012 predictions: fewer friends, more fungal infections

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

2012 predictions: more lubrication, less friction

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

2012 predictions: increased safety, reduced frequency of accidents involving vibrating devices

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

2012 predictions: more cheese, less salt

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Marilyn Vos Savant a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

2012 predictions: increased exposure in international media due to inappropriate sexual liaisons, reduced chances of securing Republican Party nominee for 2012 US Presidential elections

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