Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th January 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.