If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 97 feet, but no more than a mile. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Wednesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Peter Jennings and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A man connected with the number 58 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. On Friday night you will dream of being Whoopi Goldberg. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Avoid the number 29 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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