A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. A man connected with the number 96 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. In a parallel universe you were born as Susan B. Anthony. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. On Saturday, the color purple, the number 39 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Wednesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you wear too much make-up on Monday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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