Sunday, June 10, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th June 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A green car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Monday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. On Wednesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Wednesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you see anybody this week who looks like W.C.Fields, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

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