Monday, November 12, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th November 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Hook up with an Octopus on Monday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th

Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

In a parallel universe you were born as Gloria Steinem. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. If you see anybody this week who looks like Alfred Hitchcock, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

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