Sunday, November 4, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th November 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 12, the color red and someone who has a connection to Mae West will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. On Friday night you will dream of being James Taylor. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.


The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The number 63 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 85 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Something involving the color red will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Monday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.


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