If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Avoid the number 19 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Thursday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. On Wednesday, the color pink, the number 51 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. In a parallel universe you were born as Colin L. Powell. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
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