Monday, December 10, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th December 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Danny Glover and Tiger Woods.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Saturday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A pretty young woman connected to the number 48 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Thursday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. On Wednesday night you will dream of being Fred Astaire. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.


The Slug July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 75 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Weird Al Yankovick, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Friday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.


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