Sunday, February 10, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th February 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 70 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. The number 16 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Marilyn Monroe driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

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