Sunday, February 24, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th February 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Monday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you General Norman Schwarzkopf in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Fred Astaire. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Edgar Allen Poe and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid the number 2 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a long as I pass out the other end". Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. The number 52 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Take extra special care on Saturday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. On Friday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 16. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

No comments: