Monday, December 2, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd December 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 70, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Nathaniel Hawthorne will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. A orange car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Thursday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw is the time to try. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Tuesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Saturday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

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