Monday, November 25, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th November 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A man connected with the number 78 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 61. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Sunday.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. On Thursday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Get out and enjoy life on Monday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something about the number 46 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Tuesday will keep your mind occupied. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.


The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Friday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Harrison Ford. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.


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