Monday, March 10, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th March 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. In a parallel universe you were born as Carl Sagan. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You are not Robin Williams, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A man connected with the number 1 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Julia Child at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Rick Perry driving a blue car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

No comments: