Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th March 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 75. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like John Travolta, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Wednesday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Hold a dinner party on Wednesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 49 feet, but no more than a mile. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Something about the number 23 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

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