Sunday, November 1, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd November 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You are not Helen Keller, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? On Sunday night you will dream of being Julia Roberts. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Try relaxing on Tuesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

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