Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th November 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Tuesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 26. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. On Friday, the color purple, the number 51 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Look yourself in the mirror on Tuesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.