Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th June 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Dave Letterman and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.