Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th June 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Alexander Graham Bell. Does this matter? Only time will tell. If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You are not Hank Aaron, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Sunday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Friday, and when connected to the number 50, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Should you wear blue on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.