Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th December 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Why will the color green be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Monday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? The number 31 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Thursday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Miley Cyrus at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.