Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th December 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. The number 44 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Thursday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. A man connected with the number 22 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A man connected with the number 9 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Take extra special care on Thursday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not John F. Kennedy, Jr. at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Sunday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.