Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th January 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Marilyn Monroe. Does this matter? Only time will tell. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Thursday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Should you wear white on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Avoid the number 43 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Friday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The number 98 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.